Life of a “perfectionist”

As I complete the last few hours of my 8 hour shift at my office job, I finally submitted what would be my last paper for the semester. I have to say that I can finally breathe… at least for now. This academic year honestly has not been my best. I experienced constant highs and lows, and right when I thought I couldn’t take anymore jabs…. things continued to happen. I feel nothing but relief right now though because I can finally say the worse is over and I am still standing.

During my fall semester, I had to drop a class and I barely passed my other classes. This put me on academic probation for the spring. I continued to push myself harder even though I felt so unsure of myself. I clearly didn’t learn because I took on a lot more than I could handle. I was accepted to compete for Miss Minnesota USA. If that wasn’t enough, I picked up a second job as a bartender on top of pageant training, full-time school, internship, and volunteer work. I was so incredibly drained. I was constantly in and out of sickness and eventually ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room during finals week.

Then one of my worse fears came true.. I received news that I failed a course for the semester. Call me dramatic, but it seriously felt like my world ended. I thought to myself, “What the hell did I get myself into?” “What is going to happen now?” Then it finally clicked in my head that I was working so hard, too hard, that I lost myself in the process. I realized that I was trying to prove people wrong that I forgot all about me.

I call this the life of a “perfectionist.” A life where people are always expecting so much out of you. If you succeed in one thing, there’s another thing you must achieve. And then if you make one simple mistake, you’re seen as a failure for the rest of your life. It feels like there’s never a time where enough is enough because there is still so much more that you need to do… and you can’t and won’t stop until everything is accomplished. It can honestly drive you insane, like how it has done to me.

In truth, there is no such thing as “perfection.” I relearned that today.

I believe that there will be things you’ll fail at in life, but that doesn’t make you a failure. If anything, knowing that you tried makes you a winner in your life.

As for that failed course, don’t worry…. that professor will definitely see me again and I will pass the next time around. Until then, I will keep reminding myself to not be so hard on myself… and so should you.

The day of “Love”

I want to start this post by wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day. Know that you are loved even if it may not be in the way that you dream of or wish for. Any kind of love whether it is big or small is worth celebrating. Some may say that we don’t have to wait until this specific day to celebrate love, which I agree, but it doesn’t hurt to go an extra mile to make this a special day. Whether it’s on this particular day or any other day,  it is a wonderful reminder of the love we have in us that we tend to forget due to our busy lives.

As a little girl, I used to dream of a life in the movies where I would wake up and be saved by my knight in shining armor. I came up with many scenarios such as a long lost prince that I was fated to be with or perhaps someone from a past life that I just so happened to cross paths with again. I admit that I was obsessive with the idea of love. My way of feeling complete was to live in a fantasy world I built for myself, and for so many years I couldn’t differentiate fantasy with reality.

As I continue to grow, I realize that I don’t need saving. I don’t need to have a destiny with anyone. I don’t need anyone to love me because I have love in me all along and it shows in the love I give to others. The love we give is a reflection of the love we have for ourselves. Love doesn’t have to be with a person. It can be with the things we love to do, the places we love to visit, and in the people that surround us whether it’s close friends and family or strangers who adore you from afar.

Although love is something that completes us in many ways and it is something that many of us yearn for, it doesn’t have to be like how it is in the movies. So, if you’re reading this and you’re someone who is sad about not having someone to love, know that you don’t need a person to feel loved. You ARE love.

Beauty

Beauty is not whether you have the straightest, whitest teeth. Nor is it whether you have the clearest skin or a perfect body with a slim waist, wide hips, and full bust, but it is when you are able to wake up in the mornings with a smile on your face because you are content with your life. Beauty is when you are able to shower the people around you with endless affection because you have so much love to give. Beauty is when you are able to wake up in the mornings and go to your job because it is something you enjoy to do and not because you feel like you have to. Beauty is when you aren’t afraid to look stupid in front of your friends whether it’s slipping on ice and falling straight on your face, or dancing off-beat to a trap song that you love. Beauty is when you care about what’s going on in the world and you want to make a difference in people’s lives. Beauty is when you give without expecting anything in return because you truly care about others’ well-being. Beauty is the values that you hold so dear to you, because it is what makes you who you are. Beauty is embracing that you’re different and you’re strong enough to refuse to compromise yourself for anyone. Beauty is uplifting others around you to be the best that they can be instead of bashing and bringing others down. Beauty is making mistakes but instead of giving up — you learn. Beauty is to work on improving yourself everyday.

Beauty is accepting that no one is perfect, including yourself, and that’s perfectly okay because your imperfections are what makes you you. You are what makes you beautiful, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

2017..

As the days get closer to the new year, I made a promise to try as many new things that I possibly can, including things that may scare me. This commitment is not only for 2017, but it is a commitment that I am going to make for the rest of my life.

The reason for this is because I’ve been living my life with the same day-to-day routine out of comfort. I was comfortable not knowing the unknown. I was comfortable with shutting the rest of the world out. I was comfortable being able to predict my days. Comfort was the ultimate thing that I held onto for so long…. but it is time to change my pattern. It is time for me to challenge myself in ways that I’ve never done before, to get out of my comfort zone, and to see as many new things and meet as many people that I can.

My new years resolution is to be who I want to be without any apologies. I will no longer apologize for my mistakes that I have made in the past or even for the mistakes that I will probably make in the future. I will no longer apologize for exploring the world and for keeping my options open. I will no longer apologize for being a socialite despite what people say or think. I will no longer apologize for being myself, and I refuse to hide or deprive myself of who I truly am. I will no longer apologize for the hurtful words that people say about me because it is not a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of who they are. I will not apologize for severing ties with anyone who brings nothing but negativity and hate in my life. I will not apologize for surrounding myself with inspiring, beautiful, and strong individuals. I will not apologize for having confidence in myself. And I will not apologize for loving myself.

There are many amazing things that are coming up that I wish I can tell the world now, but I have to remain patient and keep it a secret until when the time is right. All I can say is, I am excited for what’s to come and I am so grateful for the wonderful opportunities that are waiting for me. This is definitely the time to shine, not just for me but for you too.

Family

They are the people that are quick to call you out when you are wrong. They are the people that are brave enough to tell you what you don’t want to hear. They are the people that can cut you deep like a knife with their words and with their actions. They are the people that can make you learn the definition of hate. They are the people that can impact the way you see life and how you feel about people.

Family can be filled with many imperfections and may lack certain things, but we can’t deny that they are the main foundation as to what makes us who we are.

We also can’t deny, that they are the people that still love you when you’re at your worst even if it’s sometimes hard to see. They are the people that have seen us go through various stages of our lives. They are the people that knew us before everyone else. They are the people that you continue to make your mistakes with, and with time they welcome you back with open arms. They are the people that will support you even if it’s from a distance or in silence. They are the people that will always push you to do better, and they will continue to push until you’re at your fullest potential. They are your eyes and ears when you can’t see or hear.

They are the people that we don’t get to choose, but they are the people that we will have ties with forever. And sadly, they are the people that most of us continue to take for granted.

In the end, you realize that they are the people that you can’t EVER live without. You eventually learn to accept that not only are you human, but they are too.