10’o clock hits and she’s 10 shots in.

She’s dressed her best; heels and fur coat, ready to paint the town red.

There are people asking about her, waiting to meet her.

The pressure is on, yet it is all so exciting at the same time.

She takes one last glance at her reflection before stepping out of the house.

“Just one more night,” she tells herself.

As she arrives, people immediately take turns greeting her with open arms.

She is the girl that lights up every room she walks in.

All night people compliment her and tell her how stunning she looks.

“There she goes…. it’s her,” Women whisper.

They are inspired.

“She’s so beautiful,” Men whisper.

They are infatuated.

As she greets new and familiar faces, she holds onto her brightest smile.

She is the girl that has everything a girl can possibly want.





Yet, her heart is empty.

Every time the night ends, so do the lights, camera, and action.

4am and her pillows are always soaked with her tears.

It’s at night when she yearns for something to grasp onto, where she questions what her life has come to.

But as soon as morning arrives, she lives on.

I know because “She” is me.



Another year flew by… just like that.

Before I start, I want to say that this will probably be my most unfiltered and carefree blog post I’ve ever written.

So, here are things that pretty much sums up my 2017:
-I drank enough alcohol that will seriously fill up an ocean. I don’t know how in the world my livers are surviving right now.
-I fell in love… and got my heart broken again. I clearly didn’t learn.

Now as for the good things:
-I finished another academic year of my bachelors of science… Although my GPA wasn’t the greatest, I’m happy I made it through.
-I managed to lose close to 10 lbs and about 2% of body fat.
-I graduated from the Hmong Women Leadership Institute program
-I participated as a panelist for Hmong Girls Day
-I interned for Hnub Tshiab: Hmong Women Achieving Together
-I competed in the Miss Minnesota USA 2018 pageant. I didn’t place anything but the knowledge I learned and the friends I made were priceless and worth the almost 10 grand I invested. There’s definitely more opportunities in the future that I would like to pursue, but everything is still in the works. *Note to self: Never spending that much again.
-I had the TIME OF MY LIFE bartending…. I learned how to cut lime and serve. Thanks Boss(es)! If you’re reading this, I love you. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay the managers and staff for being so patient with me.
-I volunteered for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which makes it two years in a row for me.. I’m making it a goal to volunteer every year, so for sure they will be seeing me again.

Overall, I cried a lot. I’m not ashamed to admit that. There were many nights where I stayed up and was afraid for the future. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it because I took on too many things at once. I was constantly afraid of what others would think of me if I didn’t “SUCCEED,” but I realized over time that I was just being too hard on myself. Afterall, it doesn’t matter whether you succeed or fail because there’s ALWAYS a lesson to be learned. I learned that it simply wasn’t my time yet.

Even though I ended the year broke and single, I finally learned to just live with my truths and smile through the pain.

Life is imperfect, but I rather live my life colorfully than be trapped in black and white. I sure cried, but I also laughed a lot. I made wonderful memories and met so many people who truly inspired me. I challenged myself. I lived life. I didn’t give a fuck…. and that’s what I will continue to do for 2018.

A Daughter’s Memory

I was looking through my old photo albums and I came across this picture that brought back many memories. I was about five years old when this picture was taken and, strangely, I am able to remember some parts of this day. I remembered how much effort my mother put into choosing the perfect outfit and how carefully she picked the right shoes to match. I remembered her warm touch as she brushed my bangs and tucked my hair behind my ears. I remembered the expression she had on her face when she took a step back after putting on my headband. Her face glowed with pride and she softly nodded her head in approval as the photographer guided me to sit on the chair that was positioned in front of the camera. Even as a child, I was more mature for my age and I was able to quickly understand what was going on around me. As I posed and followed the photographer’s instructions, I would occasionally glance up at my mother to see her smiling a smile that I’ll never forget.

Now we don’t talk as much anymore, but moments like this reminds me that I am blessed to still have her in my life. We don’t ever talk about our feelings because we are both too stubborn and prideful to do so, but I know the love is always there.

To My Mother,

I love and appreciate you.

Someday, you’ll smile at me again like you did during this particular day. I’ll make sure of it.

Until then, I’ll try my best to take care of myself because I know there’s nothing else in this world that you would want but for me to be happy.

I only wish for you to continue to be healthy and to be the strong woman that you’ve always been.

It won’t be long now that I’ll get to stand in my own spotlight and shine brightly, not only as your little girl, but as the woman that I am today because of you.

Yours Truly,


For my kind-hearted individuals

Sometimes it’s so hard to see the good in people especially when you’ve been hurt by so many.

It’s even worse when it’s people that you sincerely admired, loved, or trusted with everything you have and didn’t have.

It almost feels like they don’t expect you to feel even though you’ve been knocked down on the ground or stomped on so many times.

There are even times when you wonder if anyone even knows that you are silently dying, or if anyone even acknowledges your pain.

It makes you feel like a cold object instead of the loving, gentle-hearted human being that you really are… or once were.

Yet you manage to find room in your heart to forgive them each and every time.

These are the people that you can’t seem to forget no matter how toxic and painful it is for you to hold on.

However, these are also the people that you need to let go of.

The question is why?

Why did we allow things to get this bad?

Who is to blame?

My answer to that, my dear friend, is no one is to blame but everyone is indeed responsible.

We have to accept things we cannot change and things that we cannot undo.

But you were hopeful.. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Don’t blame yourself anymore for choosing to be the fool even after the first, second, third, and fourth time.

Even if it seems like the whole world is laughing at you and pointing fingers, don’t give up.. especially not now.

You have a light in you that refuses to dim. A light that you wanted to share with those around you, but just so happened to do so with the wrong people.

Forgive yourself.

Because you are the rarest of them all; a kind-hearted individual that this world desperately needs more of.

In the end, it’ll be okay.

Love, especially love you have within yourself, will overcome everything.

Dear Reader,

Lately I’ve been having dark and scary thoughts in my head about dying. I rarely dream, but the past few nights I have been dreaming about death. I’ve been waking up panicking, covered in sweat… Searching my room frantically only to realize that I am in my room, that everything is normal and that I am still on the planet earth. It is safe to say that I am honestly drowning… and I don’t know how to get out.

My depression is something that no one understands. I go through periods of my life where it just can’t seem to go away, at least not for long. I don’t know how to get rid of it. It affects my relationship with my family, friends, significant other, and mostly with myself.

At the end of the day, my constant battle is exhausting. I can only be so strong and fight for so long… but at the end of the day, I am only human. I admit I am getting more afraid because I don’t know what tomorrow holds…. As my reader, I ask that you please help pray for me and maybe, possibly I’ll maintain the strength to hang on.

Thank you for taking your time to read what’s on my mind. It means more to me than you’ll ever know…. because you’re the only support I have.

Sincerely yours,


Fighting to live

There are times when I am happy, so happy that I am soaring high in the sky with a feeling so indescribable. I feel powerful like I have the world in the palm of my hands.

And then in one split second, I am falling. Falling so hard, so fast into a deep hole of darkness where anything and everything is non-existent. The world is no longer in the palm of my hands, but on my shoulders weighing me down. When this happens, I feel like I am no more. And I am silently crying, desperately trying to hold onto anyone, someone.. only to find that there is no one.

I don’t know how to tell people without sounding crazy that I am abnormal. I am not your average pretty-face girl. On the outside everything looks wonderful and glamorous, but in the inside I am still a lost child constantly searching for somewhere  to belong. I have dreams, maybe a little too big for someone who grew up in a small city. I am often misunderstood and put on a pedestal with unreasonably high expectations… and all I can do is muster the courage to say: I am not who you think I am.

I don’t know how to tell people that I have a hole in my heart, an unfulfilling happiness that I have carried since I was a child. I don’t know how to explain without sounding ungrateful, confusing, and belligerent.

All I can do is hope that somewhere out there there’s someone who feels the same way I do without any valid explanations, but strictly with emotions that we can’t help but feel.

Holding onto this thought is what keeps me going everyday… and why I fight to live.

It’s the very thought that, perhaps, I am not alone.

I will continue to fight. Fight for all of abnormality…. and hopefully one day we will finally find our place in this world together.