There are times when I am happy, so happy that I am soaring high in the sky with a feeling so indescribable. I feel powerful like I have the world in the palm of my hands.
And then in one split second, I am falling. Falling so hard, so fast into a deep hole of darkness where anything and everything is non-existent. The world is no longer in the palm of my hands, but on my shoulders weighing me down. When this happens, I feel like I am no more. And I am silently crying, desperately trying to hold onto anyone, someone.. only to find that there is no one.
I don’t know how to tell people without sounding crazy that I am abnormal. I am not your average pretty-face girl. On the outside everything looks wonderful and glamorous, but in the inside I am still a lost child constantly searching for somewhere to belong. I have dreams, maybe a little too big for someone who grew up in a small city. I am often misunderstood and put on a pedestal with unreasonably high expectations… and all I can do is muster the courage to say: I am not who you think I am.
I don’t know how to tell people that I have a hole in my heart, an unfulfilling happiness that I have carried since I was a child. I don’t know how to explain without sounding ungrateful, confusing, and belligerent.
All I can do is hope that somewhere out there there’s someone who feels the same way I do without any valid explanations, but strictly with emotions that we can’t help but feel.
Holding onto this thought is what keeps me going everyday… and why I fight to live.
It’s the very thought that, perhaps, I am not alone.
I will continue to fight. Fight for all of abnormality…. and hopefully one day we will finally find our place in this world together.
Lana Del Rey “Ride” Monologue
“….When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing how I had been living, they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home
They have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people
For home to be wherever you lie your head
I was always an unusual girl
My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul
No moral compass pointing me due north
No fixed personality
Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean
And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying
Because I was born to be the other woman
Who belonged to no one
Who belonged to everyone
Who had nothing
Who wanted everything
With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it
And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me
Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people
And finally I did
On the open road
We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore
Except to make our lives into a work of art
And have fun
I believe in the country America used to be
I believe in the person I want to become
I believe in the freedom of the open road
And my motto is the same as ever
“I believe in the kindness of strangers”
And when I’m at war with myself
I just ride
Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I am fucking crazy…
But I am free.”